Casual Heap

Thanksgiving at my house is sort of spectacular, with lots of heartwarming pilgrim-type meals and fattening American traditions like parade watching on widescreen TVs and plenty of coffee with enough half & half to equal WHOLE. I’m pretty sure this is what the Thanksgiving founders had in mind when they invited their native BFFs over for a feast of Butterballs and canned gelatinous cranberry glop, only ours includes more bottled “refreshments” followed by mandatory snoring and probably a cutthroat game of Hearts to wrap things up. I’ll bet in the olden days they just threw beer cans at each other and rubbed sticks together or something to make fire, then sat around in their traded furs and complained about how shitty the Mayflowers played against the Squantos Sunday before last, tossing the ol’ pigskin. Although back then it may have been a whole real pig, who knows. I’ll have to check my wikipedia and get back to you. Meanwhile the womenfolk were busy comparing cellphone plans and raving about the cheap manicures they got at that nail place on Amsterdam. Think I’m wrong? Go ahead, ask any pilgrim or Native American you know.

Anyway. Here’s how it happens at my house (alcohol accompanies every one of these activities, so I’m not even gonna break that down separately. Also if we’re lucky there’s a Golden Girls or X-Files marathon on somewhere, and then you can multiply the merriment times thirty.):

1. wake up
2. lie on the floor
3. watch tv
4. listen to my dad say “Look, Todd, the sun is shining. Can you believe that crap?”
5. eat something called “breakfast bake” and a couple pumpkin/apple muffins
6. lie on the floor
7. nap
8. shower & general hygiene
9. lie on the floor
10. pretend not to hear somebody telling you to get up off the floor
11. snack on ancient American foods like Doritos and Fritos, basically any descendants of the -tos family
12. football football football
13. eat more snacks
14. make random fun of Todd, or as we like to call him Susie Creamcheese, for reasons nobody can remember
15. eat turkey dinner and familiar turkey dinner accoutrements, all covered in either butter, sour cream, brown sugar, cool whip, or mayonnaise or any combination thereof
16. watch Todd do the dishes
17. really nap
18. watch tv
19. watch Todd’s dog vomit up something
20. go to bed
21. rewind and repeat at Christmastime